I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize