he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
