Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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