i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize