i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
