Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my shit smells like andre
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
