i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
