3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
