My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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