Will you blow on my dice?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
