I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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