I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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