I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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