i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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