Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
