oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize