i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i out mim tonsoeep
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