apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
