Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
