If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize