You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Pants are for mortals
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
