dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
