Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
