So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
