Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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