the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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