I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I skipped work to stalk him.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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