i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize