Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
