i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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