Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
