I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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