paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
