i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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