I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
