Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize