I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize