My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
