I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
