She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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