I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
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