I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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