If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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