I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
