sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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