Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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