Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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