if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
