So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My life is pants optional.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
