I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
