he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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