just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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