i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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