Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
