there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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