well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
